Comments

NIK
Reply

Day 37 for me now.
Still working on the book. There is so much gambling information / statistics / stories etc it’s fighting back, but I will complete it just as sure as I will not gamble again.

It’s making me constantly think about aspects of gambling. One thing I have come to understand is that there are perhaps three main reasons for people lapsing after a long period of abstinence. One is perhaps hearing about other people winning, another is boredom and the third is believing our luck might have changed. This third was certainly the case with me. I thought after seven months off I might have a change of luck. I also used to think this about going with a different bookmaker. But however long you abstain, whichever bookmaker you go with, the ultimate result is ALWAYS the same – YOU WILL LOSE!
Another thing I have noticed, which I mentioned earlier is that I believe they have made the slots harder to win. When I first started with them ten years or so ago I definitely got more bonus wins and regularly got into considerable profit much more frequently. Over the past 3/ 4 years it’s been lose- lose all the time.
Just remember no matetr how much you gamble your luck will not change. It might do briefly. You have a bit of a win. And then what happens? Do you leave it at that and walk away with your profit? I never did.

Kate
Reply

Hi Nik

Glad you are gamble free still and making progress on your book. Could I suggest a couple of other reasons for re-lapsing ? Emotional upsets …. it seems to me that there are a group of gamblers ( I’m one of them) who use/used gambling to numb /soothe our brains from internal chatter ….. I don’t know whether females are more prone to ‘whirring brain syndrome’ – when you chew endlessly over a problem, replaying who said what, questioning why things are in a mess etc etc etc ….but I certainly found that gambling compulsively online got rid of the inner-chatter. The trouble for the emotional CG is that we need to work on finding other ways of calming the brain – emotional upsets will always happen.

Another reason for relapse so far as I can see, is a self-destructive/self-harming streak – maybe a kind of teenage rebellion against parents/partners/the world, but turned inwards. A sort of inner ‘it’s not fair’, and I’m going to show you …. again, this isn’t necessarily re-triggered by hearing about people, winning, or boredom etc – it is more likely to be triggered through external events

Both of these reasons are linked to unresolved emotional issues – probably going back a long way – and in my opinion, this is why gambling addiction is so difficult to address without also addressing the underlying emotional reasons.

Life isn’t fair, shit does happen, relationships go wrong – but not everyone become a CG in response to this ….

Best wishes
Kate

Jane
Reply

Great going, Nik.
For me, it is often hearing about wins that gets me all revved up about gambling again. I get a twinkle in my eye! Even though I know that people will struggle to keep it, it still makes me wonder if I could get a piece of the action and this time, hold on to it…?
It won’t happen that way, but that is usually the trigger for me.

Joanne
Reply

It’s really hard to keep a straight face around here, yesterday you claimed your urges are a result of the fact that you can’t cope with your emotions , all the that drama or should I say attention seeking behaviour with regard to you parent’s house move, today your claiming that your urges are because you want a piece of the action on hearing about other people’s wins, lol lol lol lol

More fool them, that wasted their time yesterday responding to your attention seeking ploy ! lol lol lol

Jane
Reply

Why don’t you go and talk to your other face. No one wants you around here.

Joanne
Reply

Day 24 for me, 24 pound coins in my jar, one for every day I’ve been gamble-free! If I live another 30 years and remain gamble free I should have roughly, 10 grand! lol lol

The alternative …….. carry on gambling ………… the most likely outcome being financial ruin and someone suffering from serious mental health issues …………………. No Thanks.

So , I’d best keep counting my gamble free-days ………… those slot machines have hooked, cooked and ROOKED me enough! lol

Andrei
Reply

Good morning everyone sorry to hear that Mat and Ben relapsed again. Don’t give up HOPE lads. As Monica said on day 1 I wanted to bloody die now it’s my day 81 gamble free and I have HOPE. Have a nice day everyone!!!

monica
Reply

Well done Jane. My ex is covered in paint at the moment too. Why do we hurt ourselves. I don’t know but I know that gambling exacerbated what was a small tendency tenfold. I was much stronger before I gambled and it is hard to go back 5 years and remember how I was. Different to now that’s for sure. I still am putting off some things I need to do. This week is the week to get motivated for me.

Monica
Reply

Mat, this is where the disease takes us, to mental and physical exhaustion and then we may become physically ill as i did with an ulcer from the financial stress. . It took a lot for me to realise that CGs NEVER WIN. The mind plays all sorts of tricks on us to keep us hooked like it says next time I will withdraw, I won’t take it down to what i have put in. All sorts of strateges to work it better next time. But this never works. At Xmas, I bought some crystals for wealth as I am a bit alternative like that. I mean, good grief, how crazy is that? What happened, I won £5k, and blew it within a week! Sky vegas took the lot with no wins. As compulsives, we cannot win, even if we won the jack, believe me the cycle would play itself out until we finally get it as each relapse plunges us further down into that deep dark hole of despair. That is its path until we stop. For some things improve rapidly, for others it is slower. On day 1 I wanted to die, on day 34 I do not. I have hope.

Kate
Reply

Really pleased to hear things are improving for you Monica …..

Jane
Reply

Me too, Monica. Really glad that you are starting to see an improvement. I always knew you would be okay, we just have to remember what we are about and gain strength from that. We just have to keep going and not give up. Not ever. No matter how bad things get, there is always someone worse off.
As someone who often beats them self up because of who they are inside, I have come to realise that it is those qualities that make me ‘me’. They are not weaknesses, they are strengths. It is others who are weak if they choose to exploit the good nature of others.

So far so good but it is still touch and go for me.
I have managed to paint another few walls and I am a rather lovely looking shade of blue, so it is a rather fitting colour for me at the moment. :)
Trying to pick myself up, but good god it hurts. Urges are through the roof. I want to press the self destruct button and I don’t understand why. Why do I still want to hurt myself?
I don’t know at what point this started happening to me. I am sure there used to be a time when I just dealt with things. Gambling made me weak and vulnerable. But I will keep going.

Kate
Reply

I have been to a concert … piano quartet with mezzo soprano. I was transported and would encourage everyone feeling stressed to listen to the andante cantabile from Robert Shumann’s piano quartet in E flat …. it is very beautiful

mat
Reply

Feeling really bad at the moment, that loss got to me, struggle, struggle and then more struggle, first I won my money back then f***** lost it, I always get punished can’t get anywhere in life I feel hopeless, I am so exhausted mentally, another year and I am still at day 0.

Jane
Reply

I totally understand your frustration, Mat, but you need to stop measuring the success in your life by your gambling. This is the trap for compulsive gamblers. So long as you continue to look at life in this way, you will be bound to repeat the same mistakes, over and over again.
That is why you are so despaired, Mat. It is not the loss of money that bothers you, but the way that losing makes you feel. The two are connected, but they are in no way the same. We often define our relapse in terms of how much money we lose, but this is irrelevant and will only serve to keep you gambling. Relapse is relapse, win or lose and giving up gambling is about getting our lives back, not our money.
Figure out what each means to you and you too, can get your life back.

Losing money is materialistic, but you don’t feel bad about losing money, you feel bad about losing self esteem, self worth, progress, etc…The negative feelings you have when you gamble are summed up by the loss of money, but are characterised by loss of dignity, self respect, etc.
Why do you think you feel so much better, so quickly, Mat, after a heavy loss? It is because we don’t need the money half as much as we need stability and well being. So even after we’ve lost thousands, we bounce back because we just want to feel good at the end of the day and when we do, we realise that money really has no say in that at all.
Shame we have to learn so many lessons the hard way.
Hope you feel better soon, Mat.

Monica
Reply

Before my last relapse I also wanted to be off the planet, ever since the start of this year. But we are not, we are here and we have a purpose being here each and every one of us. . What would we all do if you were not on this site? It would collapse, thats what. Life gives us our challenges and the point I and others got to is that it was overwhelming. When people with good intentions spout you are never given anything you cannot handle, I laugh. It simply isnt true. We are often given life stories we cannot handle at all! That is why we have our higher power, in whatever form that takes. I do not have the answers as to how we might face life in abstinence but I know that Iwill try, each and every day. Because to continue is to self destruct, and I do not want that for you, Kate, Ben, Mat, and Will, plus all others who are battling this addiction.

Kate
Reply

You seem to be gaining so much from your GA experience Monica …..although I haven’t done the 12 steps myself , I do have faith, and I am a great supporter of the process. It strikes me that at the heart of all great religions is the idea that humans need to have a higher power, and to submit their will to this higher power. I’m reading a book by M Scott Peck at the moment ( of the Road Less Travelled fame). It’s called The People of the Lie – and is about people he thinks are evil – not at the far extreme of Hitler, but everyday people , usually parents, who, in his analysis, have inflicted great damage on their children, who he then saw in his psychiatric practise . At the root of the problem is what he calls the unsubmitted will – a narcissistic personality who is unable to empathise with others, and can’t love – because they lack the capacity for it – they are so wrapped up in themselves. When we go through the GA process, or turn to God, Christ, Allah, Buddah …we are effectively accepting that we are not the centre of the universe, that we can’t control our environment, or the people around us, that we are broken and in need of help, and that we willingly submit ourselves to a Higher Power. Let’s be honest, no one knows or can prove 100% whether there actually IS a higher power, and if there is, to my logical mind, it seems pretty obvious that there can’t be any number of Higher Powers – that Allah and God are one and the same …. but if all paths point in the same direction …then it also seems logical that this is the right way to travel. Accepting that the will/ego alone can’t solve or control everything and everyone around us, submitting to a Higher Power does seem to me to make huge emotional sense. Another book I read recently is called Unapologetic, by someone with a name like Stutterford ……he says that we need God/Jesus because of what he calls the HPTFTU ( Human Potential to F*** Things UP) ….similar idea to GA really ….because of the endless HPTFTU we will always need the Father/Son/Holy Ghost/Universal Mother …it makes emotional sense. Every week I say the Creed, I confess my sins, I say the Lords Prayer, I sing the Mass, I take communion in remembrance of Christs’ sacrifice for us all – but it is only in the last few months that I have actually understood what it all means, and why I need belief in a Higher Power in my life. All the best

Monica
Reply

It is called being an empath Jane. We feel others pain and sometimes absorb it. On the one hand, it has the power for tremendous good. You are such a positive light and give help and hope to others on this site. I have become more sensitive as I have gotten older. I withdraw from the world and need to often.Types like us need long periods on our own in nature where we feel tremendous peace. Just being by the sea calms me and brings peace. GA say the enemies of recovery are self blame and guilt, something we CGs have in droves. We are told to stop focusing on yesterday, we only have now and instead of self blame start to take responsibility. We need to put something else into our heads and hearts. Even if I don’t feel them I do Louise Hay’s positive affirmations and use many self help tools to change my thoughts and feelings. Negative thoughts genuinely get us nowhere. I am grateful that I am alive, that the CG (ego) sought to destroy me and I now have to live differently with my higher power in charge. That gives us the strength to go on.

Jane
Reply

Thanks for all your kindness, Monica. I don’t feel so bad when I talk it out. I’m going to take myself off upstairs, without the laptop!!!…..and do a little more decorating. I keep looking around my home and reminding myself of all the good things that we have achieved lately, and hopefully, I won’t gamble.
It just seems to be a very natural part of me, that runs off to this place of self torture. I guess I blame myself for so many things, and when people make me feel upset, I start to believe all the negativity and then I want to punish myself for feeling things so deeply. I wish sometimes, I could just take my head off my shoulders and put it on the bedside cabinet for the night. I cannot switch off the pain or the thoughts and they just keep coming and coming….always negative.
Sometimes, I can’t even sleep with my own thoughts racing all the time. My head is a prison and my heart is like a ball and chain that I am forced to drag around, and every day, I am hurting because of it.

Sometimes, I wonder why we are made this way,… so sensitive. What good does it do us? My emotions just make me vulnerable and everyone in my family knows I am a soft target and say what they want to me, because of it. Instead of being able to speak my mind, I have to bury it all, otherwise this sort of thing happens, like it has today. That’s why I want to be away from here, somewhere nice and quiet, peaceful….or maybe even off the planet.

Monica
Reply

No Ben, it is not yours or your mum’s fault. Neither of you asked for this horrible addiction. My middle son is also a compulsive gambler on poker and blackjack but believes he has control. He could not pay back the money he owes me as he has hit a ‘losing streak’. My eldest son paid off some of my rent arrears and now my middle son owes him. I now see my family as one, and if I could start this journey then maybe there is hope for the rest of my family. My sister care for my elderly frail mum and they both buy loads of scratchcards daily. I used to buy loads of them for everyone at Christmas. I told them I cannot go near any form of gambling ever again, even tossing a coin. Someone has to do it.

Monica
Reply

When we turn our life over to our higher power, in my case Jesus, I give all my problems to him and let go of it. I was scared to ring my housing association to get a court date as I really could not handle it emotionally, so I gave it to Jesus and then rang. This was when they said as an effort had been made to pay off rent arrears they would put off for another 16 days until I get my benefit. Jane, you Kate and I are very similar. I weep when I see what is going on in the world and how vulnerable people are really suffering in this country I am angry about that too. All we can do is work on us. You know yesterday I meditated and sent love to my family. Within an hour three of my family rang me. We are all connected. We are with you and each other on this journey of abstinence. We have to travel down this road. Not easy but worth it.

Monica
Reply

Hi Jane. My heart goes out to you and your mum. Even when we recover from cancer, it leaves its effect in many ways. It did with me. It took me down emotionally, end of relationship, end of intimacy, scars on body. I can relate to your mum as in my cancer recovery period I got bilateral frozen shoulders which took 2 years to heal. Constant pain hence gambling. I used speech recognition software for my work. Your mum and dad are from a different generation with traditional male/female roles in marriage and where the male generally has a lot of control. Your father sounds like a very selfish man. I don’t like him very much from your description. As a fellow self harmer (gambling), when emotional pain comes along a part of me kind of cowers and says ‘please no more pain’. Pray for your mum to your higher power and for yourself. You are not responsible for her although naturally you want to help. We only have now so should not give way to worrying about what ifs, this or that could happen. The power of prayer works. I will pray for you both.

ben
Reply

Hi Monica. Both my parents are compulsive gamblers……my mam is just like me, she won’t stop until the last pound is gone! She knew what I would do with the money….. but I can’t blame my mother……this is my fault.

Jane
Reply

Thank you, Kate and Monica for your replies. I hate the fact that all I can think to do in these situations is gamble. Whenever I feel punished, for whatever reason, I just scream inside and want to go and hide upstairs with the laptop. Every time I do it, I come off so much worse, emotionally and financially and it can lead to me self harming again.

I am prevented from saying what I really need to because my mum will always, always side with my dad, just for an easier life. He won’t let her say anything negative about the house just because it suits him. She has already given up so much, and I know that she isn’t happy but she won’t admit it to him. Why? Because she knows full well, that he will choose Ireland over her and then she will be on her own.
She is on eggshells with him. Don’t get me wrong, he is a good and decent man, but he is controlling and doesn’t put her first at all. He calls it taking care of her, but it isn’t care, it’s control. He always thinks he knows what’s best for her, but what is best for mum is what she wants, not what he wants.
I am always left to pick up the pieces when he leaves, and all she gets from him is a quick phone call once a week. It is always assumed that I can be there for her, and believe me, I try, but now he has taken her out of my reach. My partner doesn’t get home till late and I have to take care of the kids. I feel like he has just left her in the middle of nowhere. I don’t even know how to get there!
She is 72 this year, relatively able bodied, but the cancer took her down a lot and when she bounced back, she got it back again. Then not so long ago, she fell while getting off a bus and smashed her shoulder. She cannot raise her arm to put out washing or even wash her hair etc…but my dad is fine with it so long as he is freed up to go do what he wants to do. I have the good mind to tell him that I cannot take care of her, but you know what, he will still go. He is that set on what he wants to do.

He is a running joke with the family, everyone laughs at mum for putting up with it, but my mum will laugh it off and say that this is the only way she can cope with him, because he is difficult to live with. She used to say that she needed the break, whenever he went away, but as she got older, she needs support now but he just laughs it off. I think he doesn’t want to accept that she is getting old and slowing down.
When she fell and smashed her shoulder, he picked her up by her damaged arm and it dislocated. He is so arrogant, he said ‘come on, you are fine, get up’, and she kept telling him she was hurt. He wouldn’t listen. He mean’t well, and did it out of concern because he just wanted her up off the floor, but he goes about it all wrong. He looks at it that he is motivating her and trying to keep her healthy, but he pushes her beyond what she is capable of. He thinks she is still able, but the doctor has told her that she needs to slow down because another break could mean amputation. They told her that. She has really advanced osteoporosis. He never once went with her to the hospital with her cancer, I went with her instead. He said the journey to the city would set his bad chest off! I seriously wonder about him sometimes.
I’m just so exhausted with it all, Kate and Monica. I am in the wrong for pointing out the stupidity in this move, and for being concerned about their welfare. If you seen the place they moved from and where they have moved to, you would be concerned about their sanity as well.
No part of this is about saving money. It is about cutting costs so dad can still do what he wants and to take them out of that lovely home, into that place is just plain selfish. There have been 140 crimes committed within a mile of this new house since JUNE!!!! What is he thinking leaving her there?

What am I supposed to do when she confides in me about all this, then when I see them together, she spins me a whole different story just because dad is by her side.

I am physically shaking and sweating through stress. If I get through today without betting, it will be a miracle.

Monica
Reply

Are you going to carry on until you feel as though you are losing your marbles? When the depression is so dark and deep that it feels as if nothing will ever shift it. Work the 12 steps on your own if you have to. You are already at step 1. But it is possible for things to get a lot worse, this is a bottomless pit. The hard old guys who attend GA who have been in and out of prison for years and for what? To fund gambling. The young professional who cannot stop. GA has all people from all walks of life. Women are now increasing because of the women targeted sites like Maria and Pink. We are bombarded daily with this evil, and it is evil, devil beckoning you in crap. I now want to be part of the solution and not part of the problem, where our lives become sadder and sadder. I don’t want my story to be a sad one any more. Do you?

Monica
Reply

Glad to hear you got home Ben (!). My eldest sons name is Ben. GA in Cardiff does seem a long way to go. I travel into London to attend but have found a very good group. Other options are Gamcare (don’t rate) or the on line groups on Gordon Moody. Gamcare have a 24 hour helpline. MY GP says that this is a growing public health problem and services are very poor. You have to find some external support. When the addiction is left to its devices it ends up in insanity, destitution, crime or worse. Try the on line groups. Does your mum know and why did she enable you? You have to fess up and tell her. My sons will not help with cash and enable me although in the past I have not spent any of their cash on gambling. But I am still glad that they are doing this. Do you have enough money to survive? I have had 0 since 14th August so it is possible to survive. My ex has helped with 10 pounds here and there, food and a ration of cigs. I helped him years ago pre-gambling for a long time when he was in trouble. Never did I ever in my wildest dreams think I would end up here. But we have to take the first step back to ourselves.

Monica
Reply

Hi Ben, so I gather you got home then? Luckily it is a Sunday… Look, this is a horrible disease and you cannot just use willpower to give up. It does not work. We need support and help to stop. The first step is to acknowledge that we are powerless over gambling (yes I was, and could not stop even when winning a lot taking my bank account to 0) and that are lives are unmanageable. Is your life unmanageable Ben? You have to get help. If you cannot do GA (I have been everywhere and I can honestly say it is the only thing that has helped me) go to the Gordon Moody forums, they also have on line groups. They have a residential rehab programme for men and for women This disease is so progressive that it will take us all down the road of self destruction. I was nearly there one step from suicide and skid row. But I am alive, there is hope. There is hope for all of us.

ben
Reply

Hi Monica. Thanks for getting back to me. The only problem I got about getting support is that the nearest GA is in Cardiff……and that’s 35 miles away from where I live. Plus I don’t drive.

ben
Reply

Yes I got back home ok thanks Monica. ☺

Monica
Reply

part 2 as same issue with posting. Jane, you know that you are compulsive and that this is a disease that is progressive. It will only make you feel much worse if you gamble. You have achieved so much. Much as you want to help your mum, it is at the end of the day her decision as to what to do. Many married couples stay together in name only when the marriage ended a long time before. My sister still lives with her husband as neither can financially survive on their own but the marriage was over 20 years ago. Your dad behaves as if he is a single man. You can’t interferein their marriage but you can support your mum emotionally and where you can practically. My Ipad has managed to get itself accidentally stuck on a slots site ad. Ahhhhhhhgh! Luckily I am excluded from it.

Monica
Reply

Hi all.
Mat, Ben, sorry to hear that you both have relapsed. Ben, is this your rock bottom? What are you going to say to your mum? I hit mine and no longer want to gamble. Day 34. And Will, why should you change? Because it will get worse, a lot worse, that’s why. Havent posted for a few days as been to GA Weds and fri. My sponsor rings me every day. Have been sleeping a lot as I tend to at the autumn equinox. My son paid 200 off my arrears and the HA are going to wait until 3rd October before taking a decision re Court. So temporary relief. Jane, your dad sounds like he is in a marriage of convenience only ie his own to suit him. Your mum sounds as though she is very put upon and needs to come to some decisions. How old is she? It is always hard to start again when you are older but really she doesn’t really have a husband. Is he emotionally there for her? When upsets happen the tendency is to go back to gambling. But you have done well. You support everyone on this site so well and with so much insight.

ben
Reply

Hi Monica. Yes I’ve hit rock bottom. I was stuck miles from where I live. No money to get home as I even lost the train fare! And i was standing in the train station thinking to myself…… HOW HAS IT COME TO THIS!!! 13 years of gambling and where has it got me…….nowhere. thousands in debt. I’m back on day 0. (AGAIN) I keep on saying to myself……never again, but it always seems to get me eventually. It was never meant to get this far. If anyone wants to talk feel free to contact me. (07488328111)

ben
Reply

Thank god the train conducter didn’t come around. Lol

mat
Reply

Lost the lot I won on Wednesday and Friday only managed to put back £300 on my account the money I withdrew to play, £1000 gone in 20 minutes, I fuc**** knew it was gonna happen when I win I never keep a penny, everything goes back always. Back to day 0 again.
I just cant stop no matter what, I am hooked to these shitty machines it will soon be 10 years.
I am kind of glad I lost it all today otherwise I would be gambling all week and more stress would come.
This is one tough addiction to beat.

ben
Reply

Well gang ive officially hit rock bottom! I’ve just lent some money of my mother and I’ve lost it all. I am now stuck miles away from home with no way to get home. I’m currently in newbridge train station waiting for the next train with no money and no ticket……so I guess I’ll have to jump this train. Today is my last day gambling. I’ve been doing it now for 13 years and where has it got me! Fxxxxxg nowhere. I’m thousand in debt……and now I owe my mother £800 on top. Tomorrow will be my day 1.

Jane
Reply

Ben, that’s awful. I hate this disease. Feel so bad for you. Please try and get this sorted for yourself. Keep posting and keep trying. Feeling bad today too. Haven’t gambled but really struggling with urges after family upset.
Hope you get home okay, Ben.

Jane
Reply

Struggling….

Kate
Reply

What’s up Jane? Sorry to hear you are struggling ….

Jane
Reply

Just family problems again, Kate. My mum hung up on me. It’s a big, complicated mess. My mum is fighting with my sister and I, and some things have been said and been twisted. Everything I said to my sister was true and born out of the fact that I am worried about my mum. I did not speak out of line, I spoke out of concern, but my sister, being the gossiper she is, has twisted everything I said and my mum is now upset with us both.
I don’t honestly know why I bother, Kate. My dad is very manipulative and he has moved my mum away from the lovely suburban home she was in, and into a horrible, tiny place on a dodgy estate. My dad wants to “save money”, by moving to a tiny home, but only so he can leave her there, and go off to Ireland for 6 months out of a year.
How can this be about saving money, when his trips to Ireland cost him an arm and a leg. I should know, he gets me to book them for him all the time. If he just got his act together and stayed put, he would save money enough to stay in their lovely home.
They have just given me back everything I ever bought them, for Christmas, birthday’s etc, because there is no room in the new house to keep them. It’s really upsetting. My sister got given nothing back. They kept hers.
They have no space in the new home, it is like an end of life home, a place to sit and gaze out of the window. It is not at all suitable for them. She hasn’t even got a bathroom, no garden. There is stuff everywhere and I am having to store some for them to prevent her from falling over something. If she trips on anything again, now, and breaks something else, I will go mad at him because this is a selfish move, with only himself in mind.
My dad loves it because he just wants an address here in the uk to keep his pensions safe, he is more than happy to take off to Ireland for months on end, while she is stuck there, now, miles away from any support.
I can’t drive, and I can’t just walk 11 miles when she rings with something wrong. How am I supposed to get her shopping, prescriptions, etc.. He hasn’t thought any of this through from her perspective. Only his own.
She kept getting me aside, before the move, talking to me, about how she didn’t want to leave, that she loves it where she was, and then when dad’s there, she changes her mind and starts saying how she likes the new place!
He controls her opinions, and she is not well. She is still recovering from having cancer twice, and a broken shoulder. This carry on has gone on long enough now, since we were kids. I only ever had a dad for half a year, mum would cry every time he left, but still he would leave.
Why even bother moving over here to the UK and starting a family, if he can’t leave Ireland behind. Why can’t they just enjoy a holiday together like a normal couple? He owes mum some security after all the years of messing her about, but he’d rather take off to his caravan in a field for months on end and leave her there, miles away from anyone. He’s going in 10 days and she doesn’t even know where her local shop is yet.
Makes me so angry how she panders to him, then comes crying to me with the truth. How can I help her, Kate, if she won’t tell him and speak up for herself. This is her life just as much as his.
He even jokes about taking off all the time, it’s just a game for him. Well it is time he woke up and started taking responsibility for mum. She has let him on with this all these years, but now that she really does need support, he moves her miles away and makes her vulnerable by abandoning her 2 week after moving in to a strange place and I am left with the worry of it all. No one else does anything for her, that’s for sure. There literally is stuff everywhere. I tripped over just getting through the door. She hasn’t even got the boiler, gas or electric sorted yet or anything, but he is high as a kite because he is sailing off into the sunset again.
I could easily make this none of my business but then who would look after mum? He makes it my business by leaving her there, miles from anyone. It was bad enough before, with him taking off all the time, but at least I could reach her, take her shopping etc..
It just makes me really, really want to bet because I hate that I have to suffer just for caring.

Kate
Reply

Hi Jane – I will reply properly later, but just going out and didn’t want to ping a quickly put together reply to your complicated situation ….but try try try not to gamble – you know it won’t help …
Be back in touch later

kate x

Kate
Reply

That is a chaotic situation Jane …….I can see why your heart goes out to your mum and why this situation is pressing all your buttons. Your dad just does what he likes, doesn’t he? I think all you can do is be supportive of your mum but try not to interfere or to change the way they behave together. There is no point confronting your father ….it’s not going to change his behaviour. And your mother has a voice and could have asserted herself more over the years – it shouldn’t be your job. Hard as it is to accept, they do seem to work together to maintain this strange status quo ….and it sounds like you become a bit of a target if you get too involved. As a family scapegoat I know only too well how this feels ….you literally feel speechless when your words are taken out of context and used against you. Your mum isn’t slamming down the phone on you really, she is slamming it down on your father – but she isn’t strong enough to confront him directly. Be supportive of your mum is she asks for help, but don’t let yourself be the scapegoat in their marriage anymore – you’ve done enough of this . Just accept that theirs is their marriage – distance yourself from it if you can – and protect yourself. You have come so far and are so capable – keep strong

Jane
Reply

Thank you, Kate. That is helpful advice. It is hard isn’t it, because they tell me to keep out of things, but then involve me, because I am the one who has to do all the taking care of, when he goes away. My mum is my business, because if it weren’t for me and my family, stepping in to help while he is away, then he wouldn’t be able to go. But what do I say, ‘no, I’m not helping mum’. What then? Would he still go? My guess is yes.
Did you know that when they agreed to get married, dad whisked her off to Ireland and said that was it, that they are moving there now? They got married in Ireland and so all of mum’s family didn’t even get to see the wedding. Then he got her to change from C of E to Catholic……There is love and then there is control.

You are right, Kate. He won’t change. He has been allowed to remain this way for too long and my mum has gone through the years, making sure his needs are met, while hers are disregarded. She has no say in anything. She puts food in the supermarket trolley and he takes it out again! Unless it is 100% necessary, she can’t buy it! She says she enjoys shopping with me, when dad is away, because she can buy a fresh cream cake.

Dad thinks he is doing right by her but since her cancer, he just controls her, especially what she eats, and tells her to get her shoes on because she needs exercise or she will get sick again.
The reason she fell was because he was pushing her to get out and about when she just wanted to relax in the garden.
He doesn’t let her have her own opinion at all. She has no voice, Kate and I feel as though he takes full advantage of this in this case. My partner tells me that I have to stick up for her and say something, and then I feel in the middle, but I have told him that it would be a waste of time. I know them very well, and there is no changing them. So I spoke to my sister instead, who shared the same concerns. However, she felt the need to repeat it all back to mum and she feels as though we were both discussing her and she didn’t like it.
Why can’t two sisters talk about their mum out of concern, without it being twisted and taken out of context?

The worst thing is me and my partner have to listen to her on the phone telling us that she doesn’t like the new home, and that she is upset about moving, then I can tell that dad has walked in the room, because she then starts saying everything is fine again…I’m so confused.
It’s really upsetting because we are helpless. She won’t cross him and like you say, she works at maintaining the status quo, or shall we say, keeping the peace. It just shouldn’t have to be like that because she doesn’t ask for anything. She is a very easy going lady. They love each other and that is obvious, but he is very selfish for a Christian.
I have achieved nothing by having this conversation with them, except to upset myself and put my recovery in jeopardy. Mum will stay mum, and dad will stay dad. That’s the way it’s always been.
I have had so many homes and so many schools because of his ‘nature’. Now, I can choose what to do with my life, but mum can’t. She is still along for the ride and it just makes me really sorry for her.

Jane
Reply

Beautiful, Kate. Music is a gift heard by the ear, felt by the heart and loved by the soul.

Feeling stable, Kate. After the day I’ve had, that’s the best I can hope for.
Stay well. x

Kate
Reply

That’s the truth Jane … mum is mum and dad is dad, and they have chosen this pattern together … hard as it is to accept. All you can do is offer support to her and focus on your own recovery .

Joanne
Reply

I sometimes wonder if it is more difficult to accept the fact that you have a gambling addiction when you are a binge gambler. Over the past 2 years I’ve gambled about once or twice in a 4-6 week cycle, I gambled purely for entertainment and I played the slots. I never have urges to gamble, I’m not driven to gamble by stress, a desire fro money, etc, I would just take the notion to play the slots every now and again, probably out of boredom.

A session on the slots would usually result in losses of around 1500 to 3500 pounds. Even when I was in profit, I couldn’t walk away, lost in the zone, money lost all value, I just couldn’t stop pressing the button until the money ran out. Like you Wm., I would just brush it off and forget about it. I came to realise that I couldn’t go on squandering such vast sums of money on a slot machine! No normal thinking person would lose such vast amounts of money to a machine.

I think the question you need to ask yourself is , ‘where do you want to be in 5 -10 years time ‘? Still ploughing vast sums of money down a slot machine, possibly in financial ruin or worse or someone who has given up gambling and built a secure future for yourself and your family.

Stop gambling NOW, watch the video I flagged up a couple of days which highlights how these machines are designed to be addictive , even the evil geniuses who designed them admit there is no way you can re-coup your losses and how the more you play on them ,the reality is you will continue to lose.

Time to take your life in a new direction, leave gambling behind, and build a better future for yourself and your family. Best wishes, Joanne

Jane
Reply

Hi Will.
First of all, well done for going 7 weeks gamble free. Is this the first time you have ever abstained from gambling for any length of time? You do not mention about depression, ill health, or stress, or any of the usual things that make people start to think about quitting? And you also mention that you feel nothing when you lose large sums of money.
I think, Will, that you are assessing the impact of your gambling by the amount of money lost and this is not good for you, as all this does is make you want to gamble more to get it back.
You have lost over £100,000, but this doesn’t necessarily make you addicted as you could bet that in one go, and never bet again. What does make you addicted, Will, is the way you describe your feelings and attitude towards gambling. You have lost value for money and when you lose, you don’t feel anything, instead you get a sympathetic slap on the back from friends and brush it off like it is acceptable. Addiction makes you feel numb, Will, it is like a bat, releasing anesthetic in order to suck blood from a sleeping cow. It does this to keep you in the cycle, to stop you from waking up and deciding to quit. If you stop feeling the pain, you stop seeing the harm, right? Why else would otherwise, smart, intelligent people get caught up in this stuff.

Gambling makes people lose responsibility to themselves and to others, and they become one dimensional, living only for their next bet. You express all the traits of someone who is addicted, Will. You want to stop, but at the same time, you make excuses as to why it may be easier to just keep gambling, perhaps cut down? This is the addiction talking, trying to reason with you not to quit. Making you think you need it, that life is easier when you gamble? Giving up gambling is not easy, but it is made more difficult if you insist on gambling a little now and then, because you will only make your brain still crave it, instead of allowing yourself to wean off completely.

Your gambling pattern is a lot like mine, Will. I find it fairly easy to go lengthy periods without gambling or even thinking about gambling, but once I do bet, I can’t make myself stop. I won’t stop until I have nothing left. Then, that loss can work two ways, it can either make me angry enough to stop for another few months, or it will anger me enough to want to win it back. I have been gambling for 7 sorry years and I have had enough, too. The money is gone, (40 grand) and I have to let that go in order to move forward. What we have to focus on now, is feeling better, and stop focusing on our bank balances, because when we gamble, it doesn’t make us happy, so we need to stop. For compulsive gamblers, winning stops making you happy, and losing stops making you sad. It all just feels numb and you become desensitised to life and all emotion, enabling the horrible cycle to take full advantage of you. Look what Mat just said in his post, he relapsed and won back some money, but he is neither happy nor sad. He will be hurting that he gambled, and upset with himself and this unsettled feeling comes from the worry that we won’t be able to keep what we won and because we are angry at ourselves for giving in.

Although your friends are your friends, you will struggle to remain in their company and remain gamble free. You may be able to hang with them on a good day and go along for the ride as it were, but it won’t take much to make you want to do as they do, especially if one of them wins.
I also get the feeling that some of the group may not take this seriously enough to respect your wishes to stop gambling. Although you have debts, you are still comfortable in a good job, but do you want to work for nothing, Will? What about your Son, and his security? You may feel like you are in reasonable control right now, but this is like a sleeping monster, and in the end, it will get you if you don’t stop and the damage may not be reversible. Some people need to hit their personal rock bottom, before they are able to quit properly. I have tried the damage limitation approach, Will, and it doesn’t work for me. I can’t accept a loss, so the only way out is to stop gambling completely, because as I proved to myself last month, even a £25 loss, sent me on a gambling binge that lasted 72 hours.
I think, the best way for you to go, Will, is to really think about the way gambling makes you feel, because giving up gambling is not about preventing yourself from losing money, it is about getting your life back. Create some good, happy memories with your Son, spend less time with your gambling buddies. Slow your life down a bit, and take time to appreciate the little things.
Above all, Will. Keep posting, and the very best of luck to you.

Will
Reply

In addition to my introduction below just wanted to say I’ve been reading through the posts on here and seems like a community that I could do with.

I’ve lost £100,000. Probably more. I’m addicted to gambling when I start I just have to not start.

Please feel free to throw at me any advice or tips, they would be greatly appreciated.

Sitting here now thinking of £100,000 is mind boggling. Even £3,365 is more than a months wages. But when I was spinning that slot machine I didn’t feel a thing and I just numbed my body. I was in a trance.

Kate
Reply

Hi Will. Short answer to your question is to stop and never touch a machine again . You correctly identify the problem … once you start you can’t stop. That was my problem and the problem we all share on this forum. Like you I am middle class , university educated , had a good career etc etc but within a 7 year period blew all my savings plus ran up a credit card debt I now struggle to manage. However, on the surface I am still ok financially ..but I am very ashamed of myself .. it is a secret burden. You can’t control your addiction by setting limits , you really can’t … this is the addicted voice talking … and this is what you need to face …. there is a part of you … an addicted part that will crave the buzz/calm/relaxation gambling gives you . So when you stop for good you will need to talk back to this inner voice ( obviously not out loud!!!!) . Good news is that you can do it … I was gambling online several hours every day … spending up to sometimes over £1000 … but I haven’t gambled since Feb and I am confident I never will. You can do it Will …. hey , you have the right name … I will think of you as willpower! All the best kate

Kate
Reply

Tips to help stay stopped
1 Count the days … set a goal … 100 days … register your days here
2 Read about gambling addiction … many have read Alan Carr … the easy way to stop gambling
3 take up a less damaging habit … I knit but accept this may not be your thing!
4 get outside .. get active … get a natural high from using your body
5 try Mindfulness / meditation
6 practise imagining yourself gamble free .. what will you be able to do with the time and money you save
7 be forgiving of yourself … some of us are wired to become compulsive gamblers … it’s just the way we come … but we can stop
8 accept that you will miss your habit for a while … accept it but keep separating Willpower from addicted Will … you are the adult , you are in charge.
9 spiritual development … don’t know if you have faith … but the point of A A or GA is to accept help from a Higher Power ,… however you interpret it. First you need to accept that you need this help … that you need to reach out

In my opinion gambling companies are evil … I have been pondering the fact that evil is LIVE spelt backwards …. evil things and people are intent on destroying our lives … physically , spiritually materially and emotionally … the end goal of evil is to literally take our lives … sadly some poor souls do take their own life through gambling. We are by no means at this desperate end point … but make no mistake this is the very serious end goal of evil … so the sooner you leave the dark side , the better . I believe that when we enmeshed in gambling we are putting ourself at real risk of harm. Stop now before the harm really damaged you .

Hope this helps

Will
Reply

My story:

I’ll give you the out and out facts before you decide whether to read this or not.

Ive lost over £100,000.

I’m 27.

I consider myself middle class, fairly intelligent, university graduate in a good job with a young son.

But I think I’m addicted?

I started gambling when I was 15 on fruit machines. I’ll never forget my first loss. I had £5 to get drink and some food. I fed it into a fruit machine, a £5 jackpot. I got nothing back.

I was with 2 friends, whom I still am close friends with this day. Aged about 16 I introduced them to my school friends, who we introduced gambling to, and now there is a group of 6 of us who find it acceptable to lose £1,000 in a weekend and brush it off. It’s all of a sudden become acceptable to lose hundreds of pounds and brush it off as though it never happened. There is effectively a group of 6 gambling addicts, and we’re all close friends. If one of us is losing and someone else is up for the day or week, we often loan each other £1000+.
I know the circle is not doing me any good, but these are my closest friends I have.

Fast forward 12 years from my £5 loss, ages 27 and I lose £3,365 (to the penny, I found it somewhat ironically suitable considering it was on bet365) in 1 night. I felt nothing. Just nothing. As if I expected it to happen. I actually felt worse when I lost my first £5.

But, I have since gone 7 weeks gamble free. And I can easily walk past a fruit machine or have 2 months without even feeling the urge to gamble. I would say I had a habit more than an addiction.

My issue is once I start, I can’t stop. And it often is a gambling binge of maybe a day, a week, a month. It has devastating effects, the longer it goes on. I rarely win, the stakes get higher.

It has cost me relationships, money and the most important thing, time. I’ve gambles my sons birthday present money, my rent money, and got in thousands in debt. And the one thing that grates on me is, as I said at the start (i’m not blowing my own trumpet here), but I would class myself as a fairly smart lad. Never applied any of my intelligence though, coasted through school and university before landing on my feet in a great job. But I know the facts. I know the bookies are always going to win. I know I won’t win my losses back. But I keep pressing the ‘Place Bet’ button once I start as if my body and mind is possessed. And that’s the scariest thing for me.

I sometimes think living with the gambling ‘habit’ as I like to call it, is easier than trying to stop altogether. As I physically can’t stop myself when I want to gamble, I gamble. I always end with no money, I get a bit of money, I gamble. The cycle goes on.

So there is my shortened version of my story.

My question to you all is? What do I do?

I don’t want to join GA for 1 reason. I think if I went there and my problem is what I would call, not as severe as other people, I know that will just give me justification in my mind that I haven’t really got that bad a problem.

My friends are my friends. They can be an influence, but they can also be a help, and have pulled me off a machine many a time.

And my mind and body I can’t change. So why should I try?

Shall I just make it damage limitation? Restrict the cash I have and tell my friends not to lend to me?

Would love to hear people’s comments.

Add your comment below:

Descargar musica