Comments

Joanne
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I’ve become the self appointed, dessert tester at the hotel where I’m employed.

A passion fruit concoction today … 10 out of 10 chef!

8 days gf. Mr Gambler is on my mind again, but I’ve no way to gamble so he’s had it.

Whatever you’re up to this weekend, enjoy!

Work, Work, work …..

JoanneIsABoringOldCunt
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You really are mind numbingly boring aren’t you?

Joanne
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No reason for you to hang around then. Don’t let me detain you any longer.

Joanne
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One week gamble free.

I’m soooooooo tired,

Goodnight!

Randy
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Great start, Joanne. You got integrity, working hard to meet your obligations.

I almost lost my ranch to playing Powerball, ‘eightliners’ and offshore gambling. Don’t risk losing your homestead.

Yours, Randy

Joe
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Brilliant news Joanne, I’ve just had my first day free gambling.

Feels amazing!

Randy
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I wouldn’t mind having a midnight stroll with you, Joanne on my Texas ranch. How’s about it cowgirl?

I’d like to get to know you.

Yours, Randy

Joanne
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Yeah, my day off! Last week I spent it spinning fruit, today I can’t because I have no means, ….. no debit card or casino site.

So I’m off to spend the day tidying up my garden, it’s looking neglected and scrappy. I wonder how many camper vans and sports cars will pass by on their way to the nearby harbour and beach. Sometimes I’ll give them a smile as they slow down, depends on whether the strimmer string has broke or not! Sometimes a scowl! Lol Everything from lambourghinis, porche, etc, those rich city types taking one of their many cars out for their annual spin.

No doubt CM will be along to remind me that my posts are boring!

Here’s to another gamble free day.

Joanne

Joanne
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Lamborghini, Porsche! Lol

It’s too hot for gardening!

Joanne
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Had some Australians staying at the hotel this weekend. Asked them how they were enjoying their visit. They said they were enjoying seeing all the castles because they didn’t have any in Australia. It was on the tip of my tongue to say but you make up for it in casinos! Lol Thought better of it and just joked that they had plenty of sandcastles. Lol I felt a little sad, thinking about LOSER. I wonder if he’s one month gamble free.

Well done to Nik, great achievement.

Was walking home around 1.30 am down the narrow lane that leads to my house as happy as Larry after a successful evening of Scottish music and dance when I encountered a group of cows who had escaped from a field. Gulp! Now I don’t mind sheep but I’m scared of cattle, those big bulging eyes staring at you in the semi-dark. I didn’t know what to do so I slowly retreated backwards, there was no way I was going to pass them. Got myself beyond the field they had escaped from and managed to slip through the fence of the neighbouring field which was empty and secure. Stood there thinking, what in the heck do I do now! Standing in a field in a flimsy dress, carrying a pair of high heeled shoes, feeling like a real dork!

Anway, I knew who the cattle belonged to so I tried to find their telephone number on my mobile. Next thing I hear is the sound of a car. Luckily my neighbour’s friend had just left their home, noticed the cattle were lose and stopped. The bloke is a farmer so he quickly rounded them up. Then he noticed me and I joked that I hadn’t set them free. (Thank God I didn’t refuse his offer of a dance earlier otherwise I would have felt worse lol) He said I can see that, you’re shaking like a leaf! We had a laugh about it and I finally got home safe and sound. I wouldn’t mind but I was only 5 minutes away from my house.

2 days gamble free!

Joanne

kevin
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nobody cares a bit about what you’re doing joanne, shove a sock in it already and stop coming back here.

Jaine
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You boring boring boring boring boring BORING old hag.

NIK
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Still gamble free since 30 December. Not quite my longest abstinence, but not long to go. Got through the World Cup with only a few temptations, but managed to overcome them. I really think I have conquered it this time. I rarely think about it anymore. That’s why I don’t post here much now,
Will post again when I overtake last year’s record of Jan to August.
If I can do it you all can.

Ali
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haha Joanne you funny giving up gambling everyday then start again day 1 is like every other day for You we don’t do shit to stop gambling but you cant even stop 48 hours. Casinos must love a silly cow like you, they play you some music and flashing lights and you have orgasm idiot go on and give them all your money and comeback here to bitch some more.

Joanne
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Now that Jane has escaped to the country, I fear for Kermit and the froggies, I hope she’s not boiling them! Haha

Lots of local events on this weekend so it’s going to be a busy weekend organising the hotel’s Scottish music and social dance. How will I survive the excitement? (Joke)

Now should I buy a jar of quality jam, peel of the labels and enter it as home-made in the local craft show. Decisions, decisions.

1 day gamble free!

Whatever you’re up to have a good weekend.

Cunty
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Shut up you boring twat

Jane
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The trouble is for me, it’s in my home too. I can’t escape it. The noise, swearing and constant arguing, slamming doors etc. My neighbours would not come highly recommended. There isn’t a room in the house that I can escape to for peace and quiet and it has caused me a lot of stress that led to more gambling.
I have purchased some really nice headphones because at least then I can pipe music into my ears and escape that way.
Thanks for the holiday well wishes, Monica. Hope we both end up somewhere nice one fine day but for now, a break away will do just fine. I am more than ready. The first part of this year has not been easy but I feel I have come a long way. Dublin was nice but I couldn’t enjoy it properly because of not being able to walk that well.
A place by the sea would be lovely. Always envied others on this site for having space to breathe. I often felt that if I had that, I wouldn’t be in this gambling mess. Maybe that’s wishful thinking. After all, sometimes nice places have their drawbacks too…loneliness, boredom, isolation and that can lead to gambling as well but I would just be in my element in the countryside. It’s what makes me tick. (that and food! You should see what I’ve packed for the journey, needless to say, there’s a full roast chicken in there!)
Stay well everyone. Signing off now. Got to throw the last few things in my case and decide which shoes to bring. It’s nice to have these kind of dilemmas for a change!
xx

Joanne
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I live on the outskirts of a small town in remote Scotland, we have all the same issues, graffiti, burnt out cars, drugs, stabbings every weekend, crime. Ive seen me standing in my local convenience store waiting to be served while the person being served in front of me is so off their face on drugs that I want to leave. It’s ‘Broken Britain’ wherever you go.

Joanne
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We only have 1 bookie, but I can guarantee that it or one of the town’s stores windows will be ‘panned in’ before the weekend is over.

Joanne
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My trouble is , I always find a new casino, win a few hundred to begin with, get totally hooked on a new game. After a week or so of being consumed with constant thoughts of gambling I then subconsciously choose a game that I know will end in financial disaster for me. It’s almost like I deliberately mess up because deep down I know that after a heavy loss I will self-exclude from the casino and then I won’t be tortured with thoughts to play until I find a new one. It’s just rinse and repeat with every casino I find.

It feels worse when I can access a casino, the constant desire to play, making up stupid strategies in my head like aiming to win 100 pounds per day or whatever. It’s just mental torture.

I I can understand why people start recklessly throwing everything at gambling, they just get to a point where they want to hit rock bottom so it can all end. I felt like that last night, I did withdraw 500 pounds at one stage but I reversed it and basically threw the money back at them so I didn’t have to go through the torture of another days gambling.

Monica
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Hi Jane, I hope,you have a good holiday. Living somewhere where we don’t want to be brings it own stresses. I spent a lot of my life like that but where I live now is,ok aside from traffic noise from a busy road. I,live next to a large well known park which I walk through most days. Our environment has a big impact on us which is why I want to live by the sea at some point. That has always been an aspiration. Have a great break!

Joanne
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Hi all,

I’ve just had my fingers burnt, hopefully for the very LAST time.

I stayed up to around 4.30 in the morning spinning wacky pandas. I lost in the region of 900 pounds, served me right for allowing myself access to a site. Started of playing ‘mega moolah’. Why? I absolutely detest that game, it always ends in disaster. Why do I continue to play a game that I dislike? I just don’t seem able to listen to myself, it makes no sense. I then switched to the pandas, lost, won the money back and then foolishly lost it all again. I think at that point I was struggling to keep my eyes open.

Serves me right, now I’m the one spreading cheer! NOT

I’ve closed down the casino, cut up bank cards. Asked my bank to send me a cash only card.

This crap has gone on long enough. Ive been deluding myself. Sorry for another boring post.

I think there are 4 of us visiting the forum, Jane, Monica, myself and CM.

Joanne

Joanne
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Things could have been worse. Fortunately my bank stopped me making any further deposits once I’d deposited around 1000. As you can imagine I was cursing them around 4 o’clock this morning. I could have easily lost double that amount. I know banks take a bit of a bashing but I’m glad they intervened. This isnt the first time they’ve saved my bacon.

Joanne

Jane
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It’s ironic isn’t it? This site is about removing the stigma from gambling addiction, but a person stumbling upon this site, with all its abuse and trolling, would get a pretty poor picture of humanity. This site certainly does not represent gamblers well. It makes me want to wipe my feet on the way out sometimes, and that is clearly not the intended purpose of a place like this.

It is obvious that this is just one poster. They never post anything about themselves or about gambling, they only ever ‘reply’ to other people with childish and negative comments. I just hope you aren’t in need of support, because you have made sure that no one, not even yourself can get that now. It seems pretty empty and pointless what I do, but I keep posting support to keep a little candle burning, in the hopes that some decent, regular and genuine people can feel that they can post here again. I have long stopped asking people to come back and naming names because despite missing them all, this is not a place I would encourage anyone struggling with gambling addiction to be.

Yesterday, when the police were outside the bookies, another young man was also laying right across the pavement in front of the shop too. I don’t know what went off or if that was connected, but we always joke that there is never a dull moment around here. The day before, there was also an abandoned, stolen car nearby that someone had obviously taken for a spin and left half on the pavement. I don’t live in a very nice neighbourhood. I have said this many times before. There is always trouble going on. Just before Christmas, we had the bomb squad up here because some rival gangs had been threatening each other over someone squealing on the other and there was talk of a pipe bomb. That was a new low for us. Someone had spray painted ‘RAT’ all over the house. They cordoned off half the street. The police are always up here. We have a lot of people with drug issues that have been housed nearby in social housing just up from our area. Our street itself is nice enough, but the area itself has its problems. It is always colourful around here and there are plenty of pretty lights! It’s part of my depression, being stuck in this neighbourhood. My debt keeps me here. Believe me, if I could make something up, I’d make up something better than this. I hate it here. Luckily though, I am leaving it behind for a fortnight. Hurrah. :)

So I will let my audience of 1 know that I am off on my holidays now, so won’t be posting for a while. I am feeling like I am on a roll and can keep adding to my days easily and a beach holiday will certainly help with that. There is very little, if no, internet connection, so I am officially off the grid for a while.

I keep saying this, but I honestly don’t know who is still reading the site, but I hope everyone stays on track and keeps adding to those days.
Best wishes to you all. xx

Jane
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Sure I made it up. I mean why not?? There is such an audience on here. Really draws a crowd.

Let’s see what name you come up with next…..!
When you type in a name to post under, does Google give you a drop down menu of all your past guises?
How about choosing one from Mambo No 5. There are many names to choose from in there, just in case you are running out of inspiration with bible names.
Have a nice day.

Jane
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Just drove by my local Coral and there was a man, looked about in his thirties, being led out by police in handcuffs. Made my heart sink. Nothing excuses criminal or violent behavior but the suffering is written all over people’s faces. Sometimes, I think people just can’t handle it anymore and want someone to take notice. They want society to know they are there and they exist. People are hurting because of gambling and they want the suffering to end. I think what they want most of all is for someone else to make it stop for them, to take charge of the situation because more often than not, a person can’t do that by themselves. There is too much inner conflict.
I have said and done things too that I’m not proud of. Gambling addiction changes people. I think in some way, we are all in handcuffs from the minute we set foot in those places. For 8 long years I have felt like a prisoner in my own mind, unable to think or function without a bet. It made me feel like an outsider in my own family, in my own home, even in my own company. I couldn’t stand to even be around myself!
I, for one, want my freedom back. I can’t do this crap anymore.
70 days GF and ready to get my life back. Keep going and keep focused on a life without gambling.
IT IS POSSIBLE. xx

Peter
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I honestly think you make things up Jane….

Joanne
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I don’t wish to be harsh but we basically f***ed up. It’s life, it happens. Nobody is going to go through life without messing up .. jobs, marriages, relationships, addictions. I’ve pretty much done them all.

The secret is to forgive yourself, let it go, and move on with your life. I’ve forgiven myself, the money is gone, it happened. Five years of madness.

Life can be good again, it’s all about attitude. Enjoying the small things in life, the important things.

You can’t pick up a newspaper but some celebrity, rich person, high achiever (whatever the hell that means) is committing suicide. It’s almost like it’s become fashionable. Sorry, if that sounds insensitive but what the hell is wrong with people.

Yep, I messed up, but being alive, healthy and happy is good enough for me right now.

Joanne

Joanne
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Nothing like a visit from Monica to spread good cheer!

Just ignore me. I’m full of the joys right now.

Day 1 of my master plan … operation 250. Lol Although I may have more luck at losing 250 pounds per day. I’ve definitely got the experience.

Has everyone gone on holiday? No holiday for me.

Odd how Trevor just disappeared, I think CM was posting as Trevor.

Joanne

Bobby
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everyone knows you’re CM, and every other troll account, nobody cares anymore though, nobody wants to put up with you, you’re a waste of time, that is why this site is quiet all the time, everyone left so we don’t have to listen to you.

Joanne
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Hi Charlie! Now stop being a naughty boy. Fess up, how many names have you posted under?

Joanne

Joanne
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If I won 250 pounds every day for a year, that would amount to 91,250 pounds! It sounds like a great plan, I can’t think of any reason why it shouldn’t work! Lol lol

Monica
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Hi Jane, I am really pleased to see you posting again. How,you describe your last year gambling was also my last year gambling, it is actually,what I see as the full destruct power of the addiction getting a stronghold, I do not believe we can ever have controlled gambling in our lives. It will always be the same. We may have control initially but then it would just switch on worse than before. I don’t actually have a relapse in me, it took me to feeling that not being alive would be a much nicer option than living life, which is the step before suicide. Recovery gives us hope and ourselves back again.

Jane
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Yes, Monica, I think we both gambled ourselves into this hole for very similar reasons. Wanting to lose was something I was aware of in the later stages of my addiction. I think part of it was wanting it all to be over with, a cry for help, and part of it was also wanting to justify the way I felt about myself by enabling me to hate on myself or wallow in the mess I had made for myself. I got to the point where I preferred to make it worse than address it. That’s when I knew I needed to get help.
It often doesn’t occur to addicts that deep down, they actually might want to lose. On the surface of course gamblers want to win. That’s why we gamble but or many, there is something else at work, deep in our subconscious and what I am referring to is the idea that many addicts secretly desire self sabotage.

Addicts will have their own reasons for feeling this way and it may go back many years to difficult childhood or failed relationships, failed careers etc. The addiction can come from an inner conflict where the person suffering will want that feeling of winning to replace those feelings of doubt, low self esteem, loss or worthlessness in their lives. For whatever reason, it seems that many of us feel compelled to relive negative emotions over and over again, unresolved issues etc…and we are more sensitive to acting out when we are reminded of these feelings. Gambling not only helps us to act out how we feel but it also helps us immerse ourselves in our emotions, and feel reward when our acting out pays off. Gambling when we feel down or upset is dangerous because it is so powerful in making that connection in our brains. If we bet because we are reminded of a bad memory, gambling will not only take that away but if we win, it proves to the addict that they made the right choice in choosing to gamble rather than addressing what’s wrong.
If I had a fight with my partner and I secretly gambled out of upset and won, I would feel as though I made the right choice choosing to gamble rather than talking it out with him, after all, he’d only say it was my fault……and he doesn’t listen anyway…..That sort of thing. You feel justified for your decisions and it distances you from your relationships, strengthening how you connect to your gambling and disconnecting you from those who matter in your life.

On the one hand, gambling helps us to feel good about ourselves when we win, and on the other hand, it helps us to justify why we might hate our own existence. Many times, hating on ourselves has nothing to do with gambling. For many, gambling is just a smoke screen for what really is going on but gambling helps us express those feelings that we harbour without addressing the real issues that we’d rather not think about.

I believe this is also why addicts self sabotage and want to lose because deep down, they know that this is not the real issue and they want to stop and focus on the real issues that plague their lives but they continue to hide behind gambling. I found it easier to put obstacles in my own way to avoid addressing things that I had buried for years. That way, I can say ‘I’m like this because of my gambling’. I can blame gambling and then it is not my fault. It is the addiction and so I get to carry on blind.

Everyone knows that winning makes us feel good but I think it has much more to do with our psyche than with filling our pockets. The problem is that the winning feeling is only fleeting. It does not solve the problem, it only masks it, so gambling must continue in order to keep the person from experiencing the negative emotions that they want to suppress.
Continuing to lose money adds to the problem because it highlights already existing negative emotions and makes the person self loathe because the reason for gambling in the first place, may well be to alleviate the same feelings that gambling addiction creates. In this way, gambling addiction is powerful in multiplying a person’s already existing problems.
Of course, people gamble for all sorts of reasons, but this may help you relate to what was going on with your particular addiction because your experience seems very similar to mine.
I read this earlier and it reminded me of the way I deal with my depression…’smiles are like band-aids, they cover up the wound, but it still hurts’.
All the best. x

Joanne
Reply

I apologise if I came across as ‘flippant’ yesterday. I put in a lot of effort at work so when I get rewarded with the odd bottle of plonk, I feel like I deserve it.

Although I’m still gambling, I have come a long way. This time last year I was losing approx £1,500 per month and running a constant £1,000 overdraft.

Now I’m probably depositing around 500 pounds per month which of course is still a lot of money to fritter away but is considerably less than before. Removing the overdraft facility was one of the best things I did. Of course I only achieved that because I managed to go 85 days without gambling. I’m hoping to further reduce the amount I spend on gambling to around 100 per month by the end of the current year.

Although I still gamble, I’m not chasing past losses. In my head, I’ve well and truly written them off. That money’s gone.

Hopefully I won’t drift back into my old ways when I go back to my hum-drum office job in mid September.

Time will tell.

Hopefully one day I will see gambling for what it is and give it up completely.

Keep on track.

Joanne

Jane
Reply

1 in 5 people with debilitating gambling addiction try to kill themselves. There won’t be any obvious signs of harm and you will tell yourself it’s only money up until the point when the rug has well and truly been swept out from under your feet.
Then reality hits you. Gambling addiction is not like a hangover. The effects are not felt immediately. It creeps up on you and conditions you to believe everything is reversible. It will all be okay, won’t it? After all, you can win it back. There’s only so much the body can take when it comes to other forms of addiction and keep it up and it won’t be long before you are in a body bag. But gambling addiction is different. Chances are, no one even knows you are sick and you may even look your best doing it. The fact that gambling addiction is so harmful and suicide rates are so high is because it doesn’t take its toll quickly enough to get out while you still can. The fact that people yo yo between wins and losses keeps the addiction firmly rooted in our system. We might have a good day, followed by a bad day, followed by an even better day, followed by an even worse day etc…Gambling addiction kills us softly and often, too quietly to even notice. We may even begin to accept the harm, welcome the harm (in my case). The harm for me was a distraction from what really was going on in my life. I embraced the suffering. I felt the suffering was keeping me alive in some way because it made me feel something. Many people will tell you that feeling nothing at all is the worst. A lot of people think that people self harm because they want to kill themselves, but for many, it is the opposite. They self harm to let themselves know they are still alive, when everything else in their lives has left them feeling numb and dead inside. It is better for somebody to feel pain than nothing at all. Then you might start to feel that you deserve to suffer and you might even go through a stage of throwing every last thing you have at the machine, goading it to take it all so it can at least be over. (My last year.)

The worst thing about gambling addiction is the wide range of reasons why people feel so much despair. It may be the lies, the trap, the feeling of hopelessness. For many, it is the spiralling debt. The trouble with gambling addiction is that once the person has serious debt, their gambling is no longer about getting that high, it is about undoing the financial mess they are in. Gambling then becomes about survival and this can go on for many years, while all the time, the debt and the pressures grow. You are so far in, that you don’t see the harm in sinking deeper and this is when things get serious.
Fewer than 5% of people with gambling addiction seek proper help. Much of it is down to shame and feeling of despair. It is shocking to think that as many as 1 in 5 divorces in the UK have cited gambling as one of the reasons for marriage breakdown, further isolating the person from help and support. Many people out there don’t even know that you can recover from this, but you can.
Without support, many people will just play to extinction. It may take months, it may take years, but fail to recognise that it is happening and it will punish you severely.
It’s like the frog in the pan of hot water…….throw him in the boiling pan and he will perceive the danger and jump right out but let it warm up around him and he will let himself boil right along with it.
Keep it a good day.

Stop Being a'Pleb
Reply

That’s great Joanne, just kepe doing that every day and every day you’ll be £250 better off. I’m sure that’s how it works. What could go wrong?

Joanne
Reply

Lol, I’m too intoxicated to care. Hahahaha

Phew, my mother rang, only a sprain, thank goodness.

Goodnight all, Good morning Mr LOSER!

Joanne x

Joanne
Reply

Oh dear! I can’t believe I threw away 300 pound, burnt my lunch and wasted 7 hours of my life away trying to hook a ‘wacky panda’!

I see loser is still ignoring me.

Joanne, ‘one of the great unwashed’.

Back to work ….. lol

Joanne
Reply

Started playing the pokies around 10 am, and only stopped around half an hour ago. Did a gruelling shift yesterday and felt like a bit of relaxation. I was told my role was going to be wedding co-ordinator, feels more like general dogsbody. I’m having to multi-task, and stand in for dam teenagers who can’t be bothered to turn up for reception/waitressing duties. Family issues my skinny a**.

Anyway despite that I’m still enjoying the job, meeting lots of interesting people from far and wide.

Got some nice chocs and a bottle of wine left for me as a thank you gift. Cracked open the bottle and started playing the pokies, completely lost track of time, 8 hours later, I’m 250 pounds better off, although I could have been 550 pounds better off.

Put a cottage pie, dinner for one meal in the oven around noon and completely incinerated it! Lol So all I had left to eat was a fruit corner yoghurt. Lol

The telephone was ringing on and off, thought it was cold callers so didn’t bother answering. Now I discover my mother was looking for me because she’d tripped and hurt her ankle. Feeling bad.

I’m a lost cause. I can’t go a day without gambling, never mind a week.

I’m off to the convenience shop for some food.

Joanne

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