Comments

Joanne
Reply

If I won 250 pounds every day for a year, that would amount to 91,250 pounds! It sounds like a great plan, I can’t think of any reason why it shouldn’t work! Lol lol

Monica
Reply

Hi Jane, I am really pleased to see you posting again. How,you describe your last year gambling was also my last year gambling, it is actually,what I see as the full destruct power of the addiction getting a stronghold, I do not believe we can ever have controlled gambling in our lives. It will always be the same. We may have control initially but then it would just switch on worse than before. I don’t actually have a relapse in me, it took me to feeling that not being alive would be a much nicer option than living life, which is the step before suicide. Recovery gives us hope and ourselves back again.

Jane
Reply

Yes, Monica, I think we both gambled ourselves into this hole for very similar reasons. Wanting to lose was something I was aware of in the later stages of my addiction. I think part of it was wanting it all to be over with, a cry for help, and part of it was also wanting to justify the way I felt about myself by enabling me to hate on myself or wallow in the mess I had made for myself. I got to the point where I preferred to make it worse than address it. That’s when I knew I needed to get help.
It often doesn’t occur to addicts that deep down, they actually might want to lose. On the surface of course gamblers want to win. That’s why we gamble but or many, there is something else at work, deep in our subconscious and what I am referring to is the idea that many addicts secretly desire self sabotage.

Addicts will have their own reasons for feeling this way and it may go back many years to difficult childhood or failed relationships, failed careers etc. The addiction can come from an inner conflict where the person suffering will want that feeling of winning to replace those feelings of doubt, low self esteem, loss or worthlessness in their lives. For whatever reason, it seems that many of us feel compelled to relive negative emotions over and over again, unresolved issues etc…and we are more sensitive to acting out when we are reminded of these feelings. Gambling not only helps us to act out how we feel but it also helps us immerse ourselves in our emotions, and feel reward when our acting out pays off. Gambling when we feel down or upset is dangerous because it is so powerful in making that connection in our brains. If we bet because we are reminded of a bad memory, gambling will not only take that away but if we win, it proves to the addict that they made the right choice in choosing to gamble rather than addressing what’s wrong.
If I had a fight with my partner and I secretly gambled out of upset and won, I would feel as though I made the right choice choosing to gamble rather than talking it out with him, after all, he’d only say it was my fault……and he doesn’t listen anyway…..That sort of thing. You feel justified for your decisions and it distances you from your relationships, strengthening how you connect to your gambling and disconnecting you from those who matter in your life.

On the one hand, gambling helps us to feel good about ourselves when we win, and on the other hand, it helps us to justify why we might hate our own existence. Many times, hating on ourselves has nothing to do with gambling. For many, gambling is just a smoke screen for what really is going on but gambling helps us express those feelings that we harbour without addressing the real issues that we’d rather not think about.

I believe this is also why addicts self sabotage and want to lose because deep down, they know that this is not the real issue and they want to stop and focus on the real issues that plague their lives but they continue to hide behind gambling. I found it easier to put obstacles in my own way to avoid addressing things that I had buried for years. That way, I can say ‘I’m like this because of my gambling’. I can blame gambling and then it is not my fault. It is the addiction and so I get to carry on blind.

Everyone knows that winning makes us feel good but I think it has much more to do with our psyche than with filling our pockets. The problem is that the winning feeling is only fleeting. It does not solve the problem, it only masks it, so gambling must continue in order to keep the person from experiencing the negative emotions that they want to suppress.
Continuing to lose money adds to the problem because it highlights already existing negative emotions and makes the person self loathe because the reason for gambling in the first place, may well be to alleviate the same feelings that gambling addiction creates. In this way, gambling addiction is powerful in multiplying a person’s already existing problems.
Of course, people gamble for all sorts of reasons, but this may help you relate to what was going on with your particular addiction because your experience seems very similar to mine.
I read this earlier and it reminded me of the way I deal with my depression…’smiles are like band-aids, they cover up the wound, but it still hurts’.
All the best. x

Joanne
Reply

I apologise if I came across as ‘flippant’ yesterday. I put in a lot of effort at work so when I get rewarded with the odd bottle of plonk, I feel like I deserve it.

Although I’m still gambling, I have come a long way. This time last year I was losing approx £1,500 per month and running a constant £1,000 overdraft.

Now I’m probably depositing around 500 pounds per month which of course is still a lot of money to fritter away but is considerably less than before. Removing the overdraft facility was one of the best things I did. Of course I only achieved that because I managed to go 85 days without gambling. I’m hoping to further reduce the amount I spend on gambling to around 100 per month by the end of the current year.

Although I still gamble, I’m not chasing past losses. In my head, I’ve well and truly written them off. That money’s gone.

Hopefully I won’t drift back into my old ways when I go back to my hum-drum office job in mid September.

Time will tell.

Hopefully one day I will see gambling for what it is and give it up completely.

Keep on track.

Joanne

Jane
Reply

1 in 5 people with debilitating gambling addiction try to kill themselves. There won’t be any obvious signs of harm and you will tell yourself it’s only money up until the point when the rug has well and truly been swept out from under your feet.
Then reality hits you. Gambling addiction is not like a hangover. The effects are not felt immediately. It creeps up on you and conditions you to believe everything is reversible. It will all be okay, won’t it? After all, you can win it back. There’s only so much the body can take when it comes to other forms of addiction and keep it up and it won’t be long before you are in a body bag. But gambling addiction is different. Chances are, no one even knows you are sick and you may even look your best doing it. The fact that gambling addiction is so harmful and suicide rates are so high is because it doesn’t take its toll quickly enough to get out while you still can. The fact that people yo yo between wins and losses keeps the addiction firmly rooted in our system. We might have a good day, followed by a bad day, followed by an even better day, followed by an even worse day etc…Gambling addiction kills us softly and often, too quietly to even notice. We may even begin to accept the harm, welcome the harm (in my case). The harm for me was a distraction from what really was going on in my life. I embraced the suffering. I felt the suffering was keeping me alive in some way because it made me feel something. Many people will tell you that feeling nothing at all is the worst. A lot of people think that people self harm because they want to kill themselves, but for many, it is the opposite. They self harm to let themselves know they are still alive, when everything else in their lives has left them feeling numb and dead inside. It is better for somebody to feel pain than nothing at all. Then you might start to feel that you deserve to suffer and you might even go through a stage of throwing every last thing you have at the machine, goading it to take it all so it can at least be over. (My last year.)

The worst thing about gambling addiction is the wide range of reasons why people feel so much despair. It may be the lies, the trap, the feeling of hopelessness. For many, it is the spiralling debt. The trouble with gambling addiction is that once the person has serious debt, their gambling is no longer about getting that high, it is about undoing the financial mess they are in. Gambling then becomes about survival and this can go on for many years, while all the time, the debt and the pressures grow. You are so far in, that you don’t see the harm in sinking deeper and this is when things get serious.
Fewer than 5% of people with gambling addiction seek proper help. Much of it is down to shame and feeling of despair. It is shocking to think that as many as 1 in 5 divorces in the UK have cited gambling as one of the reasons for marriage breakdown, further isolating the person from help and support. Many people out there don’t even know that you can recover from this, but you can.
Without support, many people will just play to extinction. It may take months, it may take years, but fail to recognise that it is happening and it will punish you severely.
It’s like the frog in the pan of hot water…….throw him in the boiling pan and he will perceive the danger and jump right out but let it warm up around him and he will let himself boil right along with it.
Keep it a good day.

Stop Being a'Pleb
Reply

That’s great Joanne, just kepe doing that every day and every day you’ll be £250 better off. I’m sure that’s how it works. What could go wrong?

Joanne
Reply

Lol, I’m too intoxicated to care. Hahahaha

Phew, my mother rang, only a sprain, thank goodness.

Goodnight all, Good morning Mr LOSER!

Joanne x

Joanne
Reply

Oh dear! I can’t believe I threw away 300 pound, burnt my lunch and wasted 7 hours of my life away trying to hook a ‘wacky panda’!

I see loser is still ignoring me.

Joanne, ‘one of the great unwashed’.

Back to work ….. lol

Joanne
Reply

Started playing the pokies around 10 am, and only stopped around half an hour ago. Did a gruelling shift yesterday and felt like a bit of relaxation. I was told my role was going to be wedding co-ordinator, feels more like general dogsbody. I’m having to multi-task, and stand in for dam teenagers who can’t be bothered to turn up for reception/waitressing duties. Family issues my skinny a**.

Anyway despite that I’m still enjoying the job, meeting lots of interesting people from far and wide.

Got some nice chocs and a bottle of wine left for me as a thank you gift. Cracked open the bottle and started playing the pokies, completely lost track of time, 8 hours later, I’m 250 pounds better off, although I could have been 550 pounds better off.

Put a cottage pie, dinner for one meal in the oven around noon and completely incinerated it! Lol So all I had left to eat was a fruit corner yoghurt. Lol

The telephone was ringing on and off, thought it was cold callers so didn’t bother answering. Now I discover my mother was looking for me because she’d tripped and hurt her ankle. Feeling bad.

I’m a lost cause. I can’t go a day without gambling, never mind a week.

I’m off to the convenience shop for some food.

Joanne

Leave a Reply to Andy Cancel reply

Descargar musica